The Rich Mullins quote that they play in a prominent place in the "Ragamuffin" movie trailer is: "God will ask only one question. Did you believe that I loved you?"
This is going to take some time to set up. I ask myself that question sixty zillion times a day. Do I believe that God loves me? My answer is always "it's complicated."
The simplest answer that Christians usually give is that God loves me (you, all of us) enough to die for me. Yes. But ... let me explain. I could die for someone who I didn't like. I have made some pretty significant sacrifices for people that I didn't particularly like. I loved them, as I hope God commands me to love. But I didn't take particular joy in their company or need them in my life. (Please don't start wondering if you're in that category. If you're reading this, you're not. I didn't create a blog to start any more Drama.)
As greedy as it can sound, it's not enough for me that God promised to remain with me, to take care of me, and to ensure that I have everything I need. I grew up believing that I would never be able to be worthy of God's love. Not just that I would never be able to earn God's love (that's true for everyone) -- but that I would never, without God acting in me and moving me around like a puppet, be able to be a person God would like. Since my sin is so repugnant, in order to even be around me, God has to "impute" another kind of righteousness over me -- and I guess, kind of lie to Himself about me. Okay, it's been a very long time since I believed that. And I don't enjoy arguing theology anymore. I did at one point in my life, but that was an awfully long time ago. But what I realized today is that I don't know if I've ever found a convincing intellectual way to conceive of the love of God. So I've been kind of living as an agnostic in that way. Telling myself that I don't know what it means that God loves me but I will someday.
Rich Mullins songs have always given me a kind of poetic framework for understanding what the love of God means. It's not that I can take the "message" of these quotes and apply it to other areas of my life. It can't be distilled into a phrase that it means the same way that "oh, the cat's quiet, that means she's in trouble" can be distilled.
In some ways, I think that the love of God works like the closest human love. I had reason to think about that this afternoon when I was just attempting to picture what it means to be loved. A great part of that for me is to be needed. Valued. Missed when I'm not there. Worth fighting for, and worth fighting through the severe weaknesses in my life and heart -- not because God is so good He can turn a blind eye to those things, but because God loves me enough to take joy in being strong where I am weak and giving me the ability to be strong. It's weird even to type out phrases and analogies like those, since I spent so long believing and feeling like that was sacrilege. It's not a matter of breaking habits, or a matter of feeling what I already know -- it's a matter of still not knowing, not understanding. Can I picture God taking joy in talking to me, or should I picture Him gritting His teeth and getting through it because He is so good (juts like my parents did)? I still don't understand. I think I'm in the very weird place of knowing what it is that I need to believe, just not knowing if I dare believe it -- if I will believe truth if I listen to my heart.
And in other ways, God's love is unlike any on the human level. Even if we're commanded to forgive seventy times seven ... we do have breaking points, places where after which we love from afar. God doesn't, can't, have that kind of breaking point. We have to pick sides in battles -- attempting to stay neutral is also picking a side, it means that we are unable to fight for our friends because we'd damage others in the crossfire. God is big enough and able to stay out of human disputes enough that He can simultaneously fight for all of us and love all of us -- a capacity that humans just don't have.
Rather than even try to explain them, I'm just going to put in some of my favorite Rich Mullins song quotes. I don't entirely understand what they say about the love of God, but when I'm in the moment in the song, I understand, not just the song but the love itself -- in a way I never do at any other time.
In no particular order (just with my favorite of all at the end):
They said boy, you just follow your heart, but my heart just led me into my chest. They said follow your nose, but the direction changed every time I went and turned my head. They said boy, you just follow your dreams, but my dreams were only misty notions. But the Father of hearts and the Maker of noses and the Giver of dreams, He's the one I have chosen and I will follow Him.--The Maker of Noses
Somewhere between the lost and the found there's a fine line of purpose I follow even now, through the haze of despair that confuses and hurts us, I look to see that You're there, and to run toward Your light.--Somewhere
You who live in Heaven, hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth, who are afraid of being left by those we love, and who get hardened by the hurt,. Do you remember when you lived down here where we all scrape to find the faith to ask for daily bread? Did You forget about us after You had flown away? Well, I memorized every word You said, but I'm so scared I'm holding my breath, while You're up there just playing hard to get.--Hard to Get
(On the surface, I realize that one doesn't have anything to say directly about the love of God -- more like the lack and the questions. But my high school friend H. said once that she thought it was the same as a human playing hard-to-get -- when someone runs but wants to be pursued. And that image made all the difference.)
I can feel the earth tremble beneath the rumbling of the buffalo hooves, and there's fury in a pheasant's wing, there's fury in a pheasant's wing. It tells me that the Lord is on His temple, and there is still a faith that can make the mountains move, and a love that can make the Heavens ring, and I've seen love make Heaven ring.--Calling Out Your Name
Everything that could be shaken was shaken and all that remains is all I ever really had. And I see the morning moving over the hills, feel the rush of life here where the darkness broke, and I am in You and You're in me, here where the winds of Heaven blow.--Home
I will be my brother's keeper, not the one who judges him. I won't despise him for his weakness, I won't regard him for his strength.--Brother's Keeper
(I have one version where instead it's "I won't regard him for his weakness, I won't despise him for his strength" -- which was probably just a mistake, but I love it in light of the idea that we boast in our weaknesses, and we have more difficulty befriending people who we have to look up to because they are so strong).
If my darkness can praise Your light, then give me breath, and I'll give my life to sing Your praise.-- Damascus Road
It's Your love that opens up eternity, to a heart nothing else could reach, and if all I know is love, and I leave the rest behind, that will be enough to take me to the skies."--If All I Know Is Love
See what a difference love can make in someone's life, there's a power that resides deep within it, see something wrong, love is so strong to set it right.--See What a Difference
The reckless, raging fury that they call the love of God.--The Love of God
(Yeah, I couldn't have a post with that title without including a quote from that song. Really, though, it's all or nothing with that one -- I adore how harsh and real and yet strong and welcoming love feels when I'm listening to it.)
I have failed so many times, but You have never let me fall down alone.--"The River"
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