That's what we all dream about, isn't it? Someone who looks so deeply into our soul that they'd find something worth dying for.-- Gabrielle, "When Fates Collide."
I was a girl, struggling to stay afloat in my new life and watching my shows and making up my stories as I struggled to understand what life was all about. When I decided that "Xena: Warrior Princess" was a good distraction, then a source of depth and beauty and wisdom, I had no idea how the fandom would alter my life.
It was more than five years. I grew from barely understanding how to properly quote an episode to being, however briefly, for the first time in my life, popular. I grew from a girl who barely understood that it was possible to be comfortable in a group to a girl who regularly traveled the country and the world, knowing brand new experiences and familiar faces with whom to share them. And my circle of friends grew ... and shrunk ... and grew again ... and I began to consider investing in a better seat belt for the roller coaster that seemed to be my life.
My blog idea came from a powerful Xena convention memory. It was strong enough to leave me dizzy, uncertain whether the world was colored like the past or like the present. This blog is a place for me to tell my stories about the past. Only the good stories. The life-changing moments, the blindingly close connections, the events that have become a part of me that can never be forgotten.
I will have to cut off each story at a certain point. Rather than say, "and then it all went horribly wrong," I will to stop.
This does not mean I am trying to convince myself that my time in "Xena" fandom was for the best. In the end, each story just is. Stories can't be separated into arbitrary categories of good or bad, helpful or hurtful, wasted or invaluable. I'm not going to write about the horrible parts. My best friends know, and I don't need to tell anyone else. But I think it's good to paint pictures, to understand how momentous this all is. If nothing else, at last I'll again have someone to tell jokes like "and we never ever go to bed," who will understand why that's so funny.
I plan to refer to the stars and producers (Hudson Leick, Steve Sears, Brittany Powell, etc.) by their real names. I believe it's standard procedure to refer to other fans by their board names. Rather than do that, though, I've decided to choose a Suikoden character name for each of the people I knew. Partially simply because it's funny, partially because this way people who weren't involved already can't invade anyone's privacy by doing a username search. I'll choose Suikoden names that begin with the same first letter as the board member's username. I'm going to make an exception for people whose usernames begin with "Xena" (because there aren't any Suikoden character names that begin with "X") -- in those cases, I'll choose Suikoden names that begin with the same first letter as whatever in the board member's username comes after "Xena." I'm also going to freely change names between male and female versions (again because it amuses me). ETA: Finally, phonetic similarities are allowed -- for example, "U" and "Yu" have the same sound, so I can equate the two (because there aren't any Suiko names I can recall off the top of my head that begin with "U"!).
I'm not expecting (or hoping ... maybe?) for a whole lot of people to read this. If, by some chance, though, you have stumbled across this blog and you were a part of all these stories ... well, welcome! If you have any requests for me -- aka if you'd like me to use your board name or even your real name, or if you have a story request ("write about the time we went to the Grand Canyon," or "write about Truth or Dare in England") -- chances are, if you know me well enough to do that then you already have my email address, so just drop me a note. And, well, I have to put this in here too. The absolute last thing I want is any more drama. If you're still mad at me, please just close the window and go on with your day. I promise that I will not air any dirty laundry in public in any place in this blog. These will be good stories only. I have, however, apologized all I'm going to apologize, and I'd prefer to leave the zombies buried.
The whole idea came about because I ran across the recording on my ipod of Steve Sears singing "Hallelujah." I keep it because it's a wonderful song and he did such a brilliant job with it. But it's inextricably tied with the sense of place of the Burbank Marriott hotel, the broccoli jokes, the "I just watch "Xena" in my socks" Ted Raimi joke, the way that the "For Good" video made me cry, the sights and sounds and smells and sensations that seem quite alien and yet quite familiar all at the same time, integral to the landscape of my life.
See how calm the water is? That was me, once. And then...the water ripples and churns. ... But the stone is still under there. It is now part of the lake. It might look as it did before, but it is forever changed.--Xena, "Athens City: Academy of the Performing Bards"
Some banners that I used for my signature file for the community I was part of (these are all banners that I made):
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